Arguing With Strangers
This was originally going to be called 'How Not To Be A Complete Asshole While Arguing With Strangers'. Sadly there are a lot of people that if they stopped being assholes altogether would suddenly vanish like a fart in the wind for lack of substance. A little less click-baity, and we're off.
There are a few reasons for this article. I like to argue. I appreciate when it's done properly. I've been told that I'm good at it. Maybe I'm longing for worthy challengers; I'll concede that one to ego.
This is dedicated to 'Felicia'. Felicias are going to serve as a cautionary tale for the bulk of this article.
Guide one: Don't tip your hand
Most poker players know about tells. Tells give away something one player doesn't want the other to know. Tells strip the advantage from one person and give it to the next. Tells are a form of self sabotage, and as it is with poker, it is with arguing online. Consider some examples.
Felicia tells me I'm closed minded for not accepting her position. Maybe. But if I have not given her any measurable reason to say that I am, then Felicia is letting me know that she's likely shut off any opposition to the idea she holds dear. It's pure projection.
Next, Felicia tells me I'm delusional because of my position, even if she has to manufacture that position. Ok, once again, maybe. She offers no reason why, just 'I'm right, you're wrong' with nothing supporting either side of it.
Next, Felicia goes for a haymaker by trying to diminish me with a label. The format is always the same, regardless of the label:
'You're just a ___________'
Labels are handy things. Labels help define identity. They help us understand concepts, in relation to ourselves and other things. However, Felicia's use of a label in these instances isn't trying to create understanding so much as subvert it.
Three instances of similar behavior. Three cases of attacking a person instead of their argument. There are others but that explains the general idea. When you happen upon your own Felicia, there is the slightest chance that she's just testing you in this way, and if you can find someone who comes out the gate like this but can also back up their bullshit with the actual topic, she's a keeper. You keep that one close, even if you never agree on anything, because all the other cases, and there will be a vast majority of them, are showing you they are just an asshole. They don't understand their position or they can't at least explain it. They just know you're wrong, but knowing isn't enough. They have to make you look and feel wrong. Their hand is likely all low cards, like a busted straight; they can't even scrape out a pair.
Attack the argument and don't attack the arguer, at least until they really deserve it. It's your best defense, by being less offensive.
Guide two: Know what you're talking about
Seems kinda obvious, right? Felicia knows every angle and avenue of the subject she's passionate about; at least she seems to think so. She's listened extensively to authorities on the subject and she has their lines down pat, and she is so absolutely certain the authority is completely infallible, she places the utmost faith in the declarations of the authority, and will probably defend those proclamations to the best of her ability. At least she'll be the best echo she can.
We must do better than Felicia.
Felicia knows that some thing or another is supposedly 'right', and another 'wrong', and one is better than the other, but she has no idea how or why. She never reasoned herself into or out of any of those positions.
It's not enough to know what you know, or take the word of authorities as gospel. You have to start picking up on spots where you might not know; the gaps in your knowledge, your awareness, and your experiences. You and I have biases and prejudices and understandings that are limited by the nature and nurture that we were developed in. We are not only the products of our environments, but often we are prisoners of them. Our consciousness is limited, but we can learn from others and expand our own awareness on anything that intrigues us, so long as we approach it honestly. No person is always wrong or always right, and as such, we can even learn things from a person like Felicia, as rare and special as those occasions are.
Feel sympathy for Felicia; she doesn't think she can learn anything new from anyone she doesn't already agree with.
We know better.
Guide three: Be willing and able to say 'I was wrong'
It always amazes me that people are terrified of being wrong, when most of us are wrong on many things in many ways on many occasions. Each of us buys into philosophies and common knowledge that are useful to us at some point in time, but some we outgrow and discard, and others we develop as new knowledge comes our way. It's fine because it means we're growing. Our own memories betray us randomly, sometimes at the worst moments. We're made or coerced to believe in lies all the time. All of us are wrong at some things at least some of the time.
There's no point in being afraid of something you can't avoid.
Felicia can't admit that she is ever wrong. Felicia thinks admitting to being wrong is a display of weakness. Felicia suffers for these things even though she doesn't recognize it.
See, Felicia has to save face by defending a bad idea she might have an emotional attachment to, or she simply can't accept someone seeing her as wrong. She thinks holding her ground is less painful than the perceived temporary embarrassment of admitting a mistake, a miscommunication, a misjudgment, or a gap in knowledge.
We can do better than Felicia.
Imagine no longer having to carry on the weight and struggle of a losing battle like trying to defend the indefensible. Imagine no longer having to come up with excuses and semantic gymnastics to cover for an idea we can only demand is better or more reasonable simply based on our say-so, or the say-so of some other figure.
If presented with compelling enough evidence or a sound and reasonable argument, you must consider it even if it counters your most cherished beliefs. If you can do that, you will know a liberation that Felicia cannot even imagine, and you will grow while Felicia stays fixed in one place. This is where Felicias get left behind as an anachronism, as the world around them continues to surge forward no matter how they rail against it. Even though they win an occasional battle, they will lose their wars as they always have, either due to stagnation or attrition.
We win by continually moving forward and leaving Felicias behind until they finally relent and catch up to the rest of us, else fading into the dustbin of history.
There's no point in being afraid of something you can't avoid.
Felicia can't admit that she is ever wrong. Felicia thinks admitting to being wrong is a display of weakness. Felicia suffers for these things even though she doesn't recognize it.
See, Felicia has to save face by defending a bad idea she might have an emotional attachment to, or she simply can't accept someone seeing her as wrong. She thinks holding her ground is less painful than the perceived temporary embarrassment of admitting a mistake, a miscommunication, a misjudgment, or a gap in knowledge.
We can do better than Felicia.
Imagine no longer having to carry on the weight and struggle of a losing battle like trying to defend the indefensible. Imagine no longer having to come up with excuses and semantic gymnastics to cover for an idea we can only demand is better or more reasonable simply based on our say-so, or the say-so of some other figure.
If presented with compelling enough evidence or a sound and reasonable argument, you must consider it even if it counters your most cherished beliefs. If you can do that, you will know a liberation that Felicia cannot even imagine, and you will grow while Felicia stays fixed in one place. This is where Felicias get left behind as an anachronism, as the world around them continues to surge forward no matter how they rail against it. Even though they win an occasional battle, they will lose their wars as they always have, either due to stagnation or attrition.
We win by continually moving forward and leaving Felicias behind until they finally relent and catch up to the rest of us, else fading into the dustbin of history.
Guide four: Be willing and able to say 'I'm sorry'
Felicia wouldn't dare, unless something backhanded followed it.
'I'm sorry you don't have a clue'. 'I'm sorry you're just an idiot'. 'I'm sorry your parents didn't raise you right'. 'I'm sorry you don't have common sense'. etc.
Felicia never feels the need to apologize honestly, even after insulting you, which is a natural extension of never having been able to admit they were wrong in the first place. It isn't that Felicia is necessarily a bad person or malevolent. She might have the best intentions. But a whole lot of Felicias find themselves in echo chambers of their own creation. Even worse, they might just be the walls of those chambers, where someone else's ideas and platform and philosophies just bounce off them cushioning the chamber from opposition and challenge. This doesn't make the Felicias of the world super-villains, this makes them useful idiots, and not useful to us. They're not even of use to themselves. Just pawns for someone else's benefit, more often than not.
Once again, we must be better than Felicia.
If you're arguing, it's probably better to be passionate about the subject, rather than not. There should be something more at stake for you than 'winning' the argument. If something is so vital and so life affirming as to need argument, it should become your duty to defend the good ideas and expand your understanding of them and promote them to others. To do that, you are going to likely provoke others to think outside the norms they are used to. You are going to test boundaries. You are going to risk offense. You are going to make mistakes. Things may get heated and emotional beyond your control. You may forget that the opposition is even a person should intense enough friction create enough light and sound to diminish that factor.
You will have things to apologize for. This is a part of growth, and learning and improvement. There should be no fear or shame in it. That doesn't mean to just go out and be a callous prick, and shock people just for the hell of it in every opportunity you're given. Just have your head and your heart in the right place and everything will flow from that.
Guide five: Listen
Don't just wait for your time to talk. That what the Felicias often do, when they're courteous enough to not just talk over you.
You may believe you've heard their spiel before, and you've probably heard something similar, but they might not have it memorized correctly, or don't understand it very well, or have an interesting take on it.
This is another good reason to not just label someone and dismiss them. You never know what that stranger is bringing to the conversation, even if they look and sound like some majority of a familiar group. You deal with that person as an individual, and you attack their arguments or their position, not them. This is partly why Felicias should always lose actual arguments; they don't have listening as a part of their skill set.
You may believe you've heard their spiel before, and you've probably heard something similar, but they might not have it memorized correctly, or don't understand it very well, or have an interesting take on it.
This is another good reason to not just label someone and dismiss them. You never know what that stranger is bringing to the conversation, even if they look and sound like some majority of a familiar group. You deal with that person as an individual, and you attack their arguments or their position, not them. This is partly why Felicias should always lose actual arguments; they don't have listening as a part of their skill set.
Guide six: Be yourself
If you're clever, be clever. If you're funny, be funny. If you're a salesperson, be that. If you're a diplomat or a strategist or a preacher, be those. If you're just an asshole, then be something else.
Felicias like to parrot other people they admire. They can quote them, and sometimes accurately. They use terms that seem to be popular even if they have no idea what the proper meaning and usage are, and sometimes they pronounce them accurately. Occasionally when their logic and reasoning have abandoned them utterly, they'll still have a valid point.
The one thing that Felicias who are the biggest assholes love to do? Tell you they're winning.
You don't have to pretend anything. Maybe you are there to win an argument. Actually win the thing, instead of proclaiming yourself victorious. The audience one or both of you are trying to impress? They see through the bullshit, even if Felicia can't. Now this doesn't mean Felicia is necessarily losing just yet, even though they're putting on this 'winning' display. When she does however? Be absolutely ruthless is pointing out every flaw, every misquote, every leap in logic, every contradiction and every lie. She asked for it; let her have it.
Remember, you know when to say you're wrong and you know when to say you're sorry. Felicias always are in sore need of discipline. Give them loving but firm justice as only you know how, as their parents should have, and you will develop a strong pimp hand in no time. Yes ladies, you too.
Felicias like to parrot other people they admire. They can quote them, and sometimes accurately. They use terms that seem to be popular even if they have no idea what the proper meaning and usage are, and sometimes they pronounce them accurately. Occasionally when their logic and reasoning have abandoned them utterly, they'll still have a valid point.
The one thing that Felicias who are the biggest assholes love to do? Tell you they're winning.
You don't have to pretend anything. Maybe you are there to win an argument. Actually win the thing, instead of proclaiming yourself victorious. The audience one or both of you are trying to impress? They see through the bullshit, even if Felicia can't. Now this doesn't mean Felicia is necessarily losing just yet, even though they're putting on this 'winning' display. When she does however? Be absolutely ruthless is pointing out every flaw, every misquote, every leap in logic, every contradiction and every lie. She asked for it; let her have it.
Remember, you know when to say you're wrong and you know when to say you're sorry. Felicias always are in sore need of discipline. Give them loving but firm justice as only you know how, as their parents should have, and you will develop a strong pimp hand in no time. Yes ladies, you too.
Guide seven: Be bold
Sadly what people like Felicia are responsible for in that low wattage hum, is just passing on the same sounds someone else has generated. It isn't original or interesting, but it usually serves the purpose of 'Look how right I was'. Another reason to never expect a semblance of apology from this lot.
They don't take chances. They don't provoke thought. They paint a picture of consensus by repetition. Everyone says it so it must be true. Unwitting parrots; the indoctrinated.
Take new information and process it through for yourself and take it to whatever limits you can muster, and then present that to whoever will listen. Good ideas should be the death of bad ones, even if it takes a creative presentation or arrangement or sheer amount of volume and repetition to do it. We can beat them at their game.
Bad ideas deserve very public executions. Become the executioner.
Here the idea isn't to battle or defeat Felicia. No. You and I must create an alternative so compelling to her that she has no choice but to willingly and freely join us.
Guide eight: Have situational awareness
It is not always the time to argue, and it is not always your job to correct every mistake you come across, or to battle every notion you disagree with. Pick your battles. make sure it's the right time and place, and it must be said, not only to that person, but by you.
Check your approach while you're at it.
I've seen people poor gasoline on a fire by launching insults at people, when the fire could have been extinguished thoroughly just by asking the other person 'Why do you believe that?'.
The right question can shut a Felicia down like a lighting bolt.
Check your approach while you're at it.
I've seen people poor gasoline on a fire by launching insults at people, when the fire could have been extinguished thoroughly just by asking the other person 'Why do you believe that?'.
The right question can shut a Felicia down like a lighting bolt.
Guide nine: Do whatever it takes to improve
Do you really understand your subject? Are all your facts in order?
Do you understand Felicia's position as well as your own?
How well do you communicate, not just what you mean to say, but what the other person hears?
How skillful are you in the ways of persuasion?
How well do you utilize logic and reasoning? Can you recognize poor reasoning or logical fallacies in others? How about when you do them?
Do you sound genuine?
Are you an asshole?
Every one of us has room for improvement. Remember the thing about stones and glass houses if you start weighing who might be inferior or superior in any type of exchange; strive for humility.
Understanding, like life, is a journey, not a destination.(as the song goes)
Do you understand Felicia's position as well as your own?
How well do you communicate, not just what you mean to say, but what the other person hears?
How skillful are you in the ways of persuasion?
How well do you utilize logic and reasoning? Can you recognize poor reasoning or logical fallacies in others? How about when you do them?
Do you sound genuine?
Are you an asshole?
Every one of us has room for improvement. Remember the thing about stones and glass houses if you start weighing who might be inferior or superior in any type of exchange; strive for humility.
Understanding, like life, is a journey, not a destination.(as the song goes)
Guide ten: Know your enemy
Felicia, for all her faults and annoyances, is NOT our enemy. If you and her are sharing a space, you have something in common. Maybe it's just the platform. Maybe it's the topic you both have an interest in. Maybe you have a similar concern about the stakes or outcome of a situation. Maybe your backgrounds are similar, or families, or spouses and children. Maybe your bosses or customers both suck. The common ground is there, somewhere. Find it.
The enemy are the people who craft the platforms, and the narratives and the salesmanship that rope Felicias in in the first place. The story tellers that trap people through spectacle to use them for personal gain. The fear merchants. The war mongers. Televangelists. The corporate media hook-ups that view the rest of us as just so much cattle.
Remember what I said about labels before? Let's try one for this crowd: Divisioneers. Divide, conquer and prosper.
The point is not defeating Felicia so much as convincing her she belongs on your side. The point is also letting go of the bad ideas you have and letting Felicia convince you if she can. When both sides slip free of their programming, the Divisioneers lose. That's the battle. That's the point.
It's a two way street. Travel it wisely.
The enemy are the people who craft the platforms, and the narratives and the salesmanship that rope Felicias in in the first place. The story tellers that trap people through spectacle to use them for personal gain. The fear merchants. The war mongers. Televangelists. The corporate media hook-ups that view the rest of us as just so much cattle.
Remember what I said about labels before? Let's try one for this crowd: Divisioneers. Divide, conquer and prosper.
The point is not defeating Felicia so much as convincing her she belongs on your side. The point is also letting go of the bad ideas you have and letting Felicia convince you if she can. When both sides slip free of their programming, the Divisioneers lose. That's the battle. That's the point.
It's a two way street. Travel it wisely.
